I just read the letter I wrote for my current self from December 2017.
And I... genuinely feel sorry for that hopeful guy who once held beautiful visions of his 2018.
It turned out a roller coaster. One driving through hectic stack of work; heavy depressing mess of emotions; mistrust and fear. I don't mean it was an entire year of pain and sorrow. It has, in fact, been a year of growth.
I have pushed myself out there by doing a busking performance and giving a live talk on stage. Whose life has got no downfalls, disappointments and worries? No one. Only that I emphasised on mine too much that I dropped into this dark abyss that I couldn't crawl out of. I don't see myself as a depression patient. It wasn't it. It was period. It was too much fear drawn from comparisons with the past. And it took a lot of courage, and a change of environment to finally get better.
I had a really hard time pushing myself through in the beginning of the year. I was in a puddle of exams stress- one which was enhanced due to a belief of destined failure. I mistrusted; I questioned friendship at that very moment I shouldn't have. And there it went, months of green floating question marks in my head. I suggested the most ridiculous things a jealous friend could have said. I murdered the ties and bridges I once had with people who simply were the purest sweetness in my life.
It was hard to say goodbye, not to the people you surrounded yourself with, but to yourself. To the person you know the best in this world who enjoys going out to mingle. And now he's that quiet one who couldn't stand anyone who speaks, and keeps himself in his safe little cage at the hidden corner of the corridor.
I actually felt better by keeping time for my personal self.
I had a lot to consider: What I like, When to watch a movie, Who do I have lunch with today- given that I tended to minimise interactions with people. When you keep a lot to yourself and start to be independent of the choices you make, I guess you start making quicker decisions. It was me deciding for me, others' opinions hardly matter at all. I found myself more decisive, more independent in the things I did; I valued my time more with people who actually welcomed my presence when I knew I had no where else to go to.
It is okay to stay away from a crowd, as long as you know that it is what you want. You don't have to consider others' opinions of your decisions. It shouldn't be a life of pleasing everyone around you.
I want to say that, it is totally fine to walk through a rocky pathway, even if you felt like you are never getting better from that pain. Hang in there, for there are some fights you have to deal with alone; it is never long, for there are people just right across the valley with their swords ready to fight dragons with you. You might be surprised by the number of people who stayed for you, even when it seemed like everyone in your life has left you.
I had a great 2018 despite all the moments that were dark to me. Overall.
I improved on cross-country and finished at 7th place in my school's cross-country event (last year I was 8th). Let me assure you: it's very competitive at the track for senior boys. Also, I had achieved a milestone of writing 100 poems since I began in late 2014. I had 27 works this year- mainly due to my incorrigible over-thinking though. I recited my own poetry quite a few times at my school's poetry slams too. Oh yeah, I organised a poetry slam with a few friends at the beginning of the year. I organised a mental health awareness talk too! I am sure I covered that in one of my blog posts.
Why did I always say that I could not do sports or music? I can run! I can sing! I can do poetry! Guess Euan's got some hidden talents too.
2018 became a year of 'Instagrammable feeds' for me. I continued exploring photography and modelling with my Instagram. However, being aware of the false image I have built for myself on the web, I plan to call it quit momentarily on New Year's Day, mainly to focus on the present life surrounding me. That's the only real thing.
As time passed so rapidly, things and personality changed too. I feel more confident about myself, having put myself out there to perform arts in public, and on Instagram. I learned to love myself more, for it is the longest relationship I have ever had (Well, still have. So, cheers babe to being together forevermore.)
I feel strongly that I have become more reserved over the last 12 months. A little bit quieter, still a big eater, and certainly did a lot more sports that before. I am very sure about being grateful for life despite the lemons it threw at me (made my eyes sore I had to cry). To all the people I used to see, but no longer do, Thank you. I don't have time to grieve anymore.
Here's a toast to those who I still see and never have to fake a smile.
2018 was crazy. May 2019 be even crazier.
By,
Euan Thum.
And I... genuinely feel sorry for that hopeful guy who once held beautiful visions of his 2018.
It turned out a roller coaster. One driving through hectic stack of work; heavy depressing mess of emotions; mistrust and fear. I don't mean it was an entire year of pain and sorrow. It has, in fact, been a year of growth.
I have pushed myself out there by doing a busking performance and giving a live talk on stage. Whose life has got no downfalls, disappointments and worries? No one. Only that I emphasised on mine too much that I dropped into this dark abyss that I couldn't crawl out of. I don't see myself as a depression patient. It wasn't it. It was period. It was too much fear drawn from comparisons with the past. And it took a lot of courage, and a change of environment to finally get better.
I had a really hard time pushing myself through in the beginning of the year. I was in a puddle of exams stress- one which was enhanced due to a belief of destined failure. I mistrusted; I questioned friendship at that very moment I shouldn't have. And there it went, months of green floating question marks in my head. I suggested the most ridiculous things a jealous friend could have said. I murdered the ties and bridges I once had with people who simply were the purest sweetness in my life.
It was hard to say goodbye, not to the people you surrounded yourself with, but to yourself. To the person you know the best in this world who enjoys going out to mingle. And now he's that quiet one who couldn't stand anyone who speaks, and keeps himself in his safe little cage at the hidden corner of the corridor.
I actually felt better by keeping time for my personal self.
I had a lot to consider: What I like, When to watch a movie, Who do I have lunch with today- given that I tended to minimise interactions with people. When you keep a lot to yourself and start to be independent of the choices you make, I guess you start making quicker decisions. It was me deciding for me, others' opinions hardly matter at all. I found myself more decisive, more independent in the things I did; I valued my time more with people who actually welcomed my presence when I knew I had no where else to go to.
It is okay to stay away from a crowd, as long as you know that it is what you want. You don't have to consider others' opinions of your decisions. It shouldn't be a life of pleasing everyone around you.
I want to say that, it is totally fine to walk through a rocky pathway, even if you felt like you are never getting better from that pain. Hang in there, for there are some fights you have to deal with alone; it is never long, for there are people just right across the valley with their swords ready to fight dragons with you. You might be surprised by the number of people who stayed for you, even when it seemed like everyone in your life has left you.
I had a great 2018 despite all the moments that were dark to me. Overall.
I improved on cross-country and finished at 7th place in my school's cross-country event (last year I was 8th). Let me assure you: it's very competitive at the track for senior boys. Also, I had achieved a milestone of writing 100 poems since I began in late 2014. I had 27 works this year- mainly due to my incorrigible over-thinking though. I recited my own poetry quite a few times at my school's poetry slams too. Oh yeah, I organised a poetry slam with a few friends at the beginning of the year. I organised a mental health awareness talk too! I am sure I covered that in one of my blog posts.
Why did I always say that I could not do sports or music? I can run! I can sing! I can do poetry! Guess Euan's got some hidden talents too.
2018 became a year of 'Instagrammable feeds' for me. I continued exploring photography and modelling with my Instagram. However, being aware of the false image I have built for myself on the web, I plan to call it quit momentarily on New Year's Day, mainly to focus on the present life surrounding me. That's the only real thing.
As time passed so rapidly, things and personality changed too. I feel more confident about myself, having put myself out there to perform arts in public, and on Instagram. I learned to love myself more, for it is the longest relationship I have ever had (Well, still have. So, cheers babe to being together forevermore.)
I feel strongly that I have become more reserved over the last 12 months. A little bit quieter, still a big eater, and certainly did a lot more sports that before. I am very sure about being grateful for life despite the lemons it threw at me (made my eyes sore I had to cry). To all the people I used to see, but no longer do, Thank you. I don't have time to grieve anymore.
Here's a toast to those who I still see and never have to fake a smile.
2018 was crazy. May 2019 be even crazier.
By,
Euan Thum.
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