Trust me when I say I was clueless about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was clueless then, and I am clueless now. And that’s okay- because I never stop fighting for something.
To many, not knowing what you want is the biggest ingredient to failure, but to me, I think I still managed to do pretty alright in life despite being the most ‘unaware’ person in my family. Why do we always need to know what we want? Why do we expect someone 18 years old to ‘know’ what they want in life when in fact they have only seen so little of how the real world works? I do have friends who seem to know their dreams and goals so well, perhaps they were influenced by their parents since young, or had been exposed to friends with common interests. And I would look at them in awe, feeling confused over what I wish I could be pursuing in life as my dreams felt unrealistic and impractical.
Yet, over time, I realised dreams didn’t have to stay within a certain mould. I told myself to just take up every available opportunity and do my best in picking up experiences and skills. So, I studied really hard, joined camps, took up leadership roles, wrote and wrote, engaged with teachers and socialised beyond my social circles. I just never stopped fighting and every piece of experience I picked up along the way helped me become an all-rounded student, which led me to bigger opportunities like scholarships. The battle did change when I needed to explore what subjects I prefer and how much career prospects there were for different academic pathways. But instead of being guided by ‘what I want’ (since I was clueless, right?), I assessed what the best options were for me and if I could dwell well in environments I put myself in, one step at a time. That led me through picking a subject to pursue, choosing a college, surviving university, and now navigating my career in a reputable firm in KL. I always just think: What are my best options? What is the next thing for me? Am I willing to try something I am less comfortable doing? And I tell myself that whenever I allow myself to be out there, I do my best.
It took me very long to realise that every single time comparing myself to others’ journeys was me succumbing to the societal construct of a rat race mentality and sheer peer pressure. My personal experience has shown that it’s okay to be clueless, as long as you avoid staying comfortable and reduce making complaints without putting in an active effort to change your less favoured circumstances.
As an adult, do I know what I want? In the short-term, I know what I want next, I always look for new cool things to fight for anyway. In the long-term, I am still clueless, but what’s the rush? Opportunities always come where you don’t expect them. Everything will be okay :)
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