The Roses In The Grave

I am more than just surprised by the number of people who welcomed me with their company when the faces I called 'best friends' turned me down.

  One funny thing about connections is that, you never know how many bridges you have built before a life disaster happens. And the amount of selfless help you received when you called for it can be over-whelming. Only in hardships and harsh conditions that real friends make their appearances. And at the moment of hopelessness where you are deserted by the people who surround you all year long, you see who genuinely has the heart to care for you and who stays by your side.

  There is no easy way to confess my truth of being an emotionally unstable individual, who is easily affected in the negative light. I spent months, sad and under pressure because of my studies and personal life, and desperate for attention and empathy. I was a mess, one who has immense self-doubt, anxiety and insecurity about himself; one who holds on too tightly onto a friend I recognised as a buddy, and from who expected reciprocated attention and care; one who is guilt-filled as there is no idea how to recall the stories occurred, for three quarters of the diary pages are of false details; one who has to bow down to others' opinionated perspective of my personality, for they believe what they allow themselves to.

  At the end of the sleepless nights, there was a realisation that my image in their eyes do not matter at all. Every bit of approval should have come from myself. If there is a need of justifying yourself to somebody who shades you with doubt, you are not on the right stage performing for the right audiences. You do not deserve anyone around you only to pit against you, defy you, and even criticise your way of living life. In a mindless obsession with the perspective of not being accepted by my usual crowd, I found an unhealthy judgement against my own principles. But as I looked over my shoulder, I remembered the faces I saw at dinner who made me undeniably enjoy my time. There was much less stress to hold an upfront of socially-accepted behaviours; much more laughter; and way fewer curses made in my head.

  Now, what to do when somebody you once called yourself 'close to' only approaches you when they seek no company from their current best mates? What to do when they no longer know you the way you are, but the way they think you are? What to do when you want no beef with them but all they do is to remind you of your flaws?

Roses in the grave

blossomed in no sunlight's glare.

Surprised it survived- timeless.

Roses in the grave

small dark thorns spiked the dead.

Worthless effort leads no changes.

With a dead face you stocked yourself to feel attached;

took your guesses- short-sighted assumptions,

but I assure you that none was correct.

My world within four walls elude you forever.

Promises well-kept, you can never tell.

Your doubt worth's no penny.

A little 'hi' amiable on the face,

with an uninviting grin hidden

with a dagger behind the cameras-

I applaud your sold-out shows.

Hearing the narration of contradictory,

of roses, blood red, blooming in the grave,

I wonder what gave you a pointer

to say what you just mentioned.

Did you not hear yourself speak?

By,
Euan Thum.